When have I come so undone?

I used to think I was a slave to the dark and, despite everything I’ve done before, It wouldn't've helped if you’d waited for me. I know I'm not a saint, everyone can see it, but every single day those dark thoughts come again; the dawn is when it starts. It’s like a shadow of my own oblivion and I can’t see mercy’s face.
I’m frozen in time, yearning forbidden wishes. I’m so damned with all those scars of my broken kisses. Completely weary deep inside. It seems like tomorrow is blind and all I can wait for is an eternal night.
It’s been a long time since the wind took me away from you, but now my sins are fading into view, no matter the next morning light. Although I’m alone right now, I hope someday, on the road to your own perdition, I may see you again in the same coal-blackened rain I was yesterday.
I know you can see me right here and I know you’re glad to see I'm dying in every single dawn. But it’s ok, just take my longings and believe them all. Light a forever-burning candle if you do it because you’ve always known I breathe love.
Right now the magic seems so far... I don't wanna be here, but there are things I’ve got to know while my blood is running. I need to leave this unforgiven place, be healed by the sun.
Think of me and light a way for me to walk on from the ashes to the sky, burn all the thorns in the roses I have, so that I can think about hold on them again. Trust me, I know I'm right even I’ve gone too far.
Leave everything where you are.

- 5:13

Lohan;

The great "big" love

I don’t know if what I heard yesterday is true, but I’m gonna write as if it is.
I think everyone has a great “big”* love in life. I mean, you can date, you can love and even be in love with someone, but there’s one person who touches you so deeply that whoever crosses your life after it, is just another one (and of course that person can be loved, but just when you’re together).
Eventually, a relationship ends up and when you're alone (or not) that great and old love walks through your mind. I guess everyone knows what I'm talking about. And if you don’t know, you probably will.
Today I met a mutual friend and she told me you’re with your ex. I don’t know if it's true, but I don’t think she has any reasons to lie. It might be that kind of specific information for a specific recipient; in this case, me. Who the fuck knows? What I do know is that: if it’s true, I admire you. Honestly. I'm sure you have the balls. I mean, coming back to him after all he did to you? Because, according to yourself, hell was better than what you lived while you guys were dating. And I always thought he had been your greatest “big” love, actually. Not only for the things you - intentionally or not – said to me, but for your attitudes while WE were dating.
We loved each other. These past sentences always come in the present, you know? And right now, we know that our love is gone just like the memories, which are going either. I don’t want to keep them, the memories. Unfortunately, most of them are bad. We had our good moments, but the bad ones overlapped them at all.
I'm not mad at you, and frankly, I wish you all the best. Since things remain that way, I want you to be truly happy.
A great “big” love stays within us for an entire life (or more than one). And unfortunately, it’s rare when you are the beloved one of your greatest love. Most of time, he’s the one who broke your heart in countless pieces. After the rage of having your heart broken, comes peace; all that remains are the good memories of a time when you were happy.
Today I remember the moments I had with my great "big" love with a couple of sad smiles which are attached to my persona. I don’t need to be with him to be happy. But I admire you for doing it.
You know, before I open this notebook to write down, my hands were shaking ... I was shivering. You know, when words are popping into my brain, it sends them to my fingers and everything just needs to be written. But it took me a long time to do it, so, all I had to write, in some way, just vanished. Now it’s just a simple and clean letter. Because right now, I feel simple and clean.

* "Big" love is an alusion for Carrie Bradshaw's "Big" - love.

♫ Sleepwalking Past Hope - H.I.M.

- 16:52

Lohan;